you say love is a hell you cannot bear & i say, "give me mine back, & then go there."
i meant to call him earlier, but i didn't have the time. i should have talked to him last night, when i was sure. all day today i was like, "i know there's something that's supposed to hurt. i know i need to talk about it." & i kept trying to remember what it was. i need the fire i had last night, when everything was so clear. but the best i could do was sit on the phone trying to remember all the things that i want to change. every now & then he'd say, "i'm sorry." - something he only says when he means it. finally i said, "i don't like or understand apologies, so just stop." before he went to bed i said, "one more thing. i'm not as masochistic as i used to be. i'm not up for emotional suicide & i decided that's what we'd be." he asked, "so what are you saying?" "i don't know." "yes you do." "not entirely." "oh." he says. & then there was silence. i said, "i love you." "i love you too.." he says. i said, "goodnight." silence. silence. silence. finally, "bye." i'm just basing it on his tone, but i think i hurt him pretty bad. it hurts me, too. but i'm okay with that.
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