degausser.

despite how badly i didn't want to go, i went with him & spent the night at the hotel. & it was fucking amazing.

it's not real, but i was in love for a night. & even the next morning.

the first three hours were dedicated to some pretty intense making out, & eventually sex.

our relationship is strange, nice, but strange. we've known eachother too long.

we had been going at it for quite awhile & he said, "...by the way, the meds i'm on for my anxiety...well, it's going to take pretty much forever for me to cum."

i started laughing & he tried not to. he said, "shut up. this is no time to laugh." & that made me laugh more.

i said, "that's just my luck. i'm months out of practice, & my first run in is with the marathon man."

later when we went out to eat we were in the parking lot & we saw an ex of mine.

as some of you know or...don't, way back in the day when things were fake, there was the character matt. in real life, matt was two people. one of them, the best friend, the one i spent the night with. & the other is this ex.

that kinda freaked me out a little. they're supposed to know of eachother, but two males as important as they are should never actually meet. they shouldn't be within a few feet of eachother. it was just weird.

anyway, he started talking to me & then his girlfriend got mad cause she doesn't like me.

when we got to the car bestfriend said, "who was that?" & i said, "that's george, the one i used to date." he got this terrified face & said, "what were you thinking?" & i said, "well, he didn't own that jacket then." & he said, "oh okay."

we were going to go on an adventure, but we both agreed it was too cold to be out. so we went back to the hotel & got into bed due to our impending hypothermia.

his mom called & asked him if he was having fun at jeff's house & all that jazz. she asked, "is courtney there?" & he said yes. she said, "oh good. well have fun."

the night was simply amazing. i felt real, even. it was simple. girl & boy. although there was one awkward moment during sex where he told me i was "a god displaced" - remind me to stop dating artists.

we cuddled intensely & talked incessantly. there were probably about five separate occasions where we didn't talk, & they were due to eating & sleeping.

i slept. not just him. he held me the whole night & i can't believe i didn't mind.

i told him at night, "i have morning after issues, where i can't hang around & leave at like 6."

he said, "if you leave me, i'll beat you up." i punched him & said, "i could take you." & he tackled me.

i stayed till check out. technically i stayed later than check out because every time he'd try & move us to the door i'd jump him.

we made out like fiends in the elevator, then composed ourselves in the lobby.

last night i loved. & maybe it won't carry through to new years when i'm doing god knows what with god knows who. but it was enough. & i'm better for it.

i really have more to say, only i don't have the time.

update later, anyone?

before & after