it's such a simple plan, to take it like a man

i feel terrible when i should be feeling good.

but i don't see you & it's killing me.

i know i said it. i told myself, & every piece of paper i could get my hands on, that i wouldn't see you anymore.; there are bank statements around the office that say, "you missed your chance, kid." but i never really believed it.

i don't feel it when i'm at school, i'm around people, & i'm alright. but every afternoon when i get into my car i hurt. i hurt in a way that's blocking out all other forms of emotion, all other connections.

it kills my mood, so that i can't even find a song i want to listen to.

this isn't healthy. this isn't healthy. is it you? has it always been you that wasn't good for me? or is it just not having you...does that make it you? i don't know. i want to know if i could ever be alright with you.

i wish i could care enough to cry. but i just don't. i hate this. maybe it's my fault, maybe i can control my reactions but i don't care; i put the blame on you, because you make me like this

this was never me.

the only thing i ever did right, was live. i am great at being alive. i mean really alive.

not now. i don't feel enough, & what i do feel is unlike anything. it's a dull sort of hurt, but it's everywhere.

i'm not making anything out of life, because we hit a place where you were all i wanted out of living.

i miss you so much that if i see you tomorrow i might even tell you.

if it gets really bad, i might go looking for you.

i've never felt so far away from someone as i do from you when we're only separated by a few walls.

have i mentioned lately

that i'm terrified?

before & after