sent via myspace! ...we can almost be serious sometimes.

so. hey. i don't know what i want to say, but i feel like i need to explain needing a bit of a platonic break. cause that was new for me, you know, actually admitting that maybe i'm not okay with something. cause for the most part, i don't do that. but then a millisecond later i'm like, oh i miss you, tra la la. & i do miss you.

but the thing is that i was so afraid of taking my time because i'm used to people not being able to handle my honesty, even if it's something really basic. i usually don't remember that you really love me.

but then when i said we were cool...well it just felt like i now had to be okay with your decision & i'm not because i think it's stupid & i cannot respect actions based on fear. but i love you & maybe you know that. & then i felt guilty for being mad at you & that's not fair. i have emotions. i am allowed to be angry. i am allowed to be upset. but i felt like i should have been over it already. it had been less than 24 hours.

but i missed you & i was just so scared you wouldn't want to be in my life after i was honest, especially since i'm pretty rude. & most people think i'm honest when i'm lying. when i'm honest about anything they don't like it & very recently, instead of just ceasing to date a guy, he's decided i cease to exist. & i just kept thinking the same would happen with you. that if i said i needed space...god like we need more space. but if i said that, you'd just be like, fuck that. & not wait for me to be less spazzy about it all because i spend my life feeling like i feel more for everyone than they do for me.

but now i know i need some time, cause i need to figure things out. & the problem is i wanted us to have meaning. i have never in my life had anything to hold on to. everything is shortlived. i've never had a routine. everything ends while it's still new & it's almost always my fault.

but this time it was yours. & i know you love me. i know you felt it, i do. but you're not the only one who doubts here, it seems like it's been forever so by this point i'm pretty much convinced you didn't feel it. because anyone who felt the way that i did could never have walked away.

we were so real & absolutely perfect & i just miss you. i miss you. not the situation. i mean i miss that too. but i usually only miss situations, never people. i miss you.

but now it's just all in my head like it's meaningless. & it makes me sick because i needed this to have meaning. i needed it to be what i felt it was. but now i don't know. i mean i do. part of me understands your reasons but for the most part i completely ignore what you say & come up with my own reasons, like you probably never felt anything & it was just something you did out of boredum & it was in no way real, it was just me being overly hopeful as i tend to get.

or another theory is that you just totally wanted to go for kat & this was just like, in the way. which by the by, i saw her myspace, cause, you know, jealousy issues. & let me just say, i may be a jealous & arrogant bitch, &, judging from this ranting, maybe crazy, but good god i'm prettier than her. sorry. it kind of improved my mood a lot. i'm a terrible person.

anyway. i don't know if i ever had a point in saying all this. but i guess i thought it was worth mentioning.

...sorry for being random.

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