she woke me up with a bang bang, looking over cross-eyed, had a big hunch that the world was a big lie

i was beyond in love last night. maybe i still am.

he wasn't going to be able to spend the night, cause he had to be in work by 7.

he met my lesbian friend & i at the mall. we hung around for awhile & then decided to go to hooters.

i was sort of the odd girl out, as i was the only person in our party not attracted to women.

they bonded over hooters waitresses, discussing who they liked & who they didn't. i would occasionally say without feeling things like, "look at THOSE boobs" or "well would you look at that ass!" & we would all laugh.

we made fun of the drunk sports fans, & we'd cheer & clap when they did, only we would make it a point to be more obnoxious than they were. they loved us.

when we got out to the car, she said, "i'm gonna have a cigarette. you guys can go make out in the car if you want." & that made it a little awkward. so i looked at him & said, "so like, wanna make out?" & he said, "okay." & we got in the car.

only we didn't make out. we held hands & he said, "we didn't really get any time to talk." i said, "no. but when we go back to the mall, maybe we could talk?" & he said, "okay." & kissed my hand.

we held hands while he drove & when "inflatable" by bush came up on my ipod he held my hand noticeably tighter. & then for awhile he just rested his hand on my thigh. not in a sexual way, just in a...us way.
my friend always makes fun of everyone's driving & she said, "hey maybe you could drive better if both hands were on the wheel & not in her pants."

he said, "HEY! my hand is not down her pants."

i said, "his hand is on my pants, not in them."

she said, "same difference." & we all found that amusing enough to laugh for three full minutes.

when we got back to the mall, i gave my friend a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, & my car keys & told her i'd be back in a few minutes.

she said, "use a condom." & i said, "will do."

so we got in his car & kissed. he was holding my hand up near his face. he said, "i love you so fucking much. & that's never going to change. but.."

& i smiled & leaned back in my seat. i remembered this from years of being in love with him.

he says, "but right now...i just don't see us working. we're too far away & right now i can't stand to be that hurt."

i was still smiling & i said, "i know."

so he talked about how he was afraid. & he started crying. not sobbing the way he does when he has anxiety attacks, but just this silent steady stream of tears. he kept saying, "we'll find a way, we'll find a way, just not now."

i hadn't said anything yet. so i started to, but couldn't quite find the words. so i just gave an exasperated sigh. he said, "courtney. i'm so sorry if i hurt you." & i said, "it's less about hurting me & more about pissing me off."

i took his face in my hands & i said, "i love you. i'm in love with you. i understand why you have to do this, but i'm not going to act like i agree with it or in any way think it's the right thing to do.

i'm not trying to discourage you, you need to do what's best for you. but i don't want you to forget what this is.

this is something real, & you're not going to find it anywhere else. okay?'

& he cried so hard.

it didn't make me as uncomfortable as i thought it might. i was actually surprised i didn't cry. not for any real reason, but 1) i lose it when boys cry. 2) i'm the kind of person who can get caught up in the moment, which works out well for me. makes me seem less insensitive. i rarely cry for personal reasons.

the emotion of it all was thick, i could feel it replacing the air in the car. it should have made me cry.
but my eyes didn't even water. & he was just crying so much, constantly. even when i'd make him laugh & he'd get that awed smile & say, "i love all the random things you do" he was still crying.

i said, "i don't want you to think i'm not feeling this, i am - " & he said, "i know, i know." & kissed my hand.

i said, "i'll probably be bawling my eyes out later." & he said he hoped not.

so he cried & we held eachother a lot. a few times he held me so close it was like he was trying to make us one person. a few times i thought it worked.

we kept saying things like, "i have to go." or "you should leave" & then i couldn't get out of the car & he couldn't stop touching me. but he wouldn't kiss me & he kept saying, "this doesn't feel right. this just doesn't feel right."

then his cell phone started ringing & he looked at it, it said, "courtney cell" & i answered it & it was my friend calling from my car. she said, "did you forget about me?" & i said, "I'M SORRY. we were just getting emotional & retarded. i'll be right there."

& he was still crying. i said, "i can't leave you." & he said, "i know." i said, "do you have to leave right now? or can you hang around a bit longer?" & he said he could stay for awhile.

i went back to the car while he pulled himself together. i kept apologizing to my friend & she laughed & she was like, "are you guys okay? you were gone for an hour." & i apologized more & briefly explained the situation. so she & i hugged & everything was okay.

so we went & dropped her off. then went back to the parking lot & spent another couple hours in his car, just talking & kissing & holding eachother. he didn't cry this time. & we still couldn't leave.

he's always been really cliche & i've always found it amusing, cute even, if not a little embarassing.

he went on about how perfect i am, although i cannot for the life of me understand why he thinks that. he isn't some boy dealing with an infatuation. he knows me inside & out. & i am not perfect.

he says things like, "i could look into your eyes for hours" & it sounds stupid, but if you know him, you know he honestly means he could look into your eyes for hours. & it makes it seem really important, like maybe you needed to hear that all your life.

we were just cuddling in silence & he said, "there's something different about your touch."

i asked, "different how?" & he said he didn't know.

we were both quiet & he said, "like it belongs there."

finally we got out of his car, & he walked me back to mine.

we made out up against my car & then we'd hold eachother. our goodbye was easily 30 minutes long.

he had already decided that he couldn't do this, that he couldn't not see me. so really all his crying was for nothing.

but leaving him...god leaving him was the single most difficult experience of my life. it was like i was physically tied to him, like maybe one of those times he held me he really did fuse our molecules together, & now there was all this breakage occurring, unnatural & painful.

after he left i didn't know what to do with myself. my mom thought i wasn't going to be home & i didn't know if i wanted to go there, or just drive around all night & be alone.

i put on "bang bang" by dispatch. & i cried in my car. i just sat in the parking lot for what seemed like forever.

i drove to barnes & noble & did a really stupid thing. i bought nicholas sparks books. then i went & got starbucks.

i drove around & everywhere was closed by now. i went to the friendlys parking lot & hung around with these people i used to know.

i left there, & just drove & i felt so lost. but i was tired & there's literally no room to sleep in my car. so i called my mom & told her i had a migraine, so i was coming home from my friend's house.

i got home & went to my room. i opened up "the notebook" - one of the books i stupidly purchased. i was crying before i hit page 30.

i fell asleep, & woke up at 6 to read the 10 text messages he had sent me. all going on about how he missed me & loved me.

at 6:16 a.m he says, "i should have stayed with you last night. i was a fool to care about anything else. so now i'm paying the price with a cold bed, where i miss you so much i can't even sleep. i hate living without you."

i don't know if i believe in anything existing past this moment, but i was in love last night.

before & after