if you don't, don't.

i'm absolutely terrified about tomorrow night.

i wish we could just have sex or get drunk or something.

but he wants to do this quality time thing, where we're supposed to be intimate or something. & like...hold hands all the time & be affectionate.

i'm just not in the mood. & even if i were, i don't know how i could participate in that for...god how many hours. about 18? jesus christ.

this is going to be so horribly uncomfortable.

i want some attention, okay. i don't want a goddamn husband. 18 hours! with one person.

what are we even going to do? hold hands while we go to a movie? come back to the hotel & cuddle for the rest of our lives?

jesus. does he know i don't sleep? i mean i really can't sleep at night, ever.

what if he falls asleep? what am i supposed to do? ...will he get offended if i go out for coffee? i don't know how long i can stay in one place, exactly.

what if i need to write about how awful the situation is, & he's there & all?

he's sort of lost the bit of insanity he's been carrying, now he wants security so this just can't be good.

i'm hoping i can convince him to roadtrip. maybe we could go to the beach or something. i like the beach during the winter.

i quit dating.

before & after