you say love is a hell you cannot bear & i say, "give me mine back, & then go there."

i meant to call him earlier, but i didn't have the time.

i should have talked to him last night, when i was sure.

all day today i was like, "i know there's something that's supposed to hurt. i know i need to talk about it." & i kept trying to remember what it was.

i need the fire i had last night, when everything was so clear.

but the best i could do was sit on the phone trying to remember all the things that i want to change.

every now & then he'd say, "i'm sorry." - something he only says when he means it.

finally i said, "i don't like or understand apologies, so just stop."

before he went to bed i said, "one more thing.

i'm not as masochistic as i used to be. i'm not up for emotional suicide

& i decided that's what we'd be."

he asked, "so what are you saying?"

"i don't know."

"yes you do."

"not entirely."

"oh." he says.

& then there was silence.

i said, "i love you."

"i love you too.." he says.

i said, "goodnight."

silence.

silence.

silence.

finally, "bye."

i'm just basing it on his tone, but i think i hurt him pretty bad.

it hurts me, too. but i'm okay with that.

before & after