i just want you to know who i am.

i really get a kick out of guys when they know me pretty well.

we're on the phone at some terrible hour of the morning, but neither of us could hang up.

we're discussing whether or not we should call ourselves a couple. i say no; he says yes.

i gave my reasons; the distance. the army.

he said, "i think you're scared." & i said, "most likely. but of what now?"

& we talked about things i could possibly afraid of. i dismissed most of them.

then he said, "or i could just throw this theory out there."

i say, "go on."

he says, "you've got it made. you've got this guy who's not your boyfriend, who will do anything you say. including drive 300 miles to see you if you say that's what you want. but you don't have to commit, & you can have all the boys back home that you want."

& i said, "you're not wrong.

but that's not it."

honestly. the reason i don't want to make it official is because i want us to work. i want us to work so badly it scares me, because i didn't see this one coming.

if we're not really together, we have to work, because there's nothing there that can fall apart.

before we hang up somewhere around 4am, he says,

"no matter what you want to call it, or what you want to tell people, i'm still going to call you my girlfriend."

i've got this terrible feeling i'm going to fall in love.

before & after